Waiting

I'm waiting for this weekend! I can't wait to start this new program. I feel like for the first time I have a plan- and I can't wait to check it all out and get started!

Now I've adjusted my faulty thinking. Several time I just wanted to snack, because that's what I do- but I either chose not to for the sake of avoiding unnecessary calories or because when I listened to my body, I knew I wasn't hungry. Yeah me!

I've also been working out a fair amount this week. I haven't been super tight on my diet- a cookie, mac and cheese, not alot- but I just haven't been hard core. Not snacking so much like I just said but not the best meal choices every time.

And I'm down on the scale! It's really weird, I don't think I should be but I'm kinda at a low point for me. I'm not sure why - but I'll take it!

I'm glad to lose a pound or two before starting P90X. Some of the reviews I read suggested losing some weight before starting the program. I'm sure they mean more than 3 pounds. I can't wait for myself to drop 20 pounds- because it's just not happening. I've heard some conflicting comments about the program and how it affects women. I'm by no means near my goals so I know I won't totally reach them after 90 days. But I hope to make good headway. I'm hoping the building of muscle will help replace some of this extra fat I have. I know it's not a weight loss program, but I'm not particularly strong either- so I think I'll like the changes.

I just can't wait for this weekend! I wish I could meal plan for next week - but that will have to wait as well.

Faulty Thinking

So, last week I had the flu. Not a horrible thing for weight loss. Not fun. The tricky part with the flu is not ending up in a bad place as you come into the real world of appetite.

I was grain free- but when the stomach is uneasy, toast and crackers are quite yummy. I didn't want to over do anything, but I let myself slide because it was easy and I didn't feel like getting into cooking something appropriate, even after I was feeling better. I was also a single parent all week, so that was draining my energy.

I was also in a place that just didn't care. It was actually annoying when my husband came back and was still on track and wanting healthy grain-free food. Kill joy.

So that helped get my focus back to healthy. Not totally, but leaning the right direction.

I also decided that I need something, I program or a plan, and I need him to do it with me. I've seen that being on the same eating plan is helpful and keeps me accountable. I don't always like it, but I think it's been a great thing. So now I want to stretch that to my workouts.

I suggested the P90X program. I was watching an infomercial at the gym(extremely motivating while on the treadmill or elliptical) and there was a story of a girl just. like. me. The same weight- the same goals- the same everything. And her results were exactly what I wanted. 50 pounds gone. And her emphasis was just be dedicated to the plan, the diet, and keep at it. I know I can't do 90 days by myself, but maybe with a partner. He was totally on board and his brother has the program and isn't using it. SCORE! So we should get it this weekend, probably start Monday.

But until then, I have a few days to indulge.

hmmm.... NO!

This is my faulty thinking. If I have a plan, that means I'm off plan until I'm on plan. But why keep gaining weight just because I've not started the program? That's DUMB!

I was so tempted tonight to start munching. I did have an ice cream treat earlier in the evening... but one just didn't seem to be enough. And I realized how faulty my thought process was. I still craved something, but instead I turned on my DVR The Biggest Loser and did some floor exercises instead. SCORE!

Lost Hope

I'm so depressed lately, and I've just about given up hope. I was so determined to make a difference and lose some weight before all of our travel plans in May. I finally realized that despite my 'real food'-'grain free' lifestyle, I was cutting corners. I was following those rules, but I wasn't as low carb as recommended and I was concocting foods to replace the grain filled alternatives(read: almond flour pancakes).

So the next week I planned it right. No more potatoes or rice. Meat and two veggies. More salad. No dried fruit. A coconut milk fudge bar for the evening. Not low carb, but fit all the other criteria and was my one exception to whole foods. I was tracking for the first time in ages and stayed around 1600 calories.

I lost 5 pounds in 5 days.

Well, then the weekend showed up. I still did pretty good, but not as strict. Had a family dinner with fried chicken and an apple crumble(I made)but still too much sugar. Alot came home with me too. Everyday I gained another pound, gaining back 4 of the 5 pounds as I struggled to be back on the strait and narrow. I was still tracking around 1600 calories per day.

I exercised alot. Just kept gaining.

What the heck?!?!? Is there no sympathy on the scale for efforts?

My husband has a huge health program at his work(lucky SOB) and asked them about my thyroid issues and losing weight. It's all under control now, so shouldn't it be easier for me to lose weight? The response was, give it time. If it just got under control a month ago, it's not going to reverse everything on a dime.

Totally understandable. I never really thought about it, but it makes sense.

I was so upset. I cried.

It was so depressing. As if there's nothing I can do to make a difference. My body doesn't want to let go of the weight and it's not ready to either. I can be perfect and lose a few pounds, but slack off a bit and it comes back on as quickly as it left. I'm amazed I don't weigh more... but weighing only 10-15 pound less than when I delivered my third child is horrifying to me. I'm a good 50 pounds overweight and I was hoping to lose a few. But I feel like that hope is lost. I'm fighting an uphill battle that's not fair and I'm screwed every time I loaf one bit.

Oh how I wish I still had my metabolism from 10 years ago. You know as you get older your metabolism will forsake you, but 30-ish doesn't really seem that old... once you get there. But I really do believe it was the pregnancies that knocked everything out of whack for me. Doesn't mean I'm any less screwed.

I'm a single mom this week. I have alot of pasta on the menu and break apart cookie dough. I just don't care that much right now. I can't even go to the gym because I have a sick kid. I am trying not to overload on the food though, it feels gross to eat too much junk. For now.

I Threw It Away

We went to Olive Garden tonight. I decided since we're off the bandwagon that we might as well embrace the carbs we kissed goodbye. So I for Chicken Alfredo. Mike got Apricot chicken with veggies.

Kill joy.

But you know what? It wasn't as satisfying as I imagined it would be. It was missing something.

I brought half of it home and I just threw it away.

I also had just finished watching Fat Chef. Might have motivated me a little.

But it's gone. I'll have to figure out something else for lunch tomorrow.

I also made a healthy lunch for my husband, who detested his Wendy's lunch today.

Time to suck it up and be the good wife. I don't want to be this fat come summer.