Lost Hope

I'm so depressed lately, and I've just about given up hope. I was so determined to make a difference and lose some weight before all of our travel plans in May. I finally realized that despite my 'real food'-'grain free' lifestyle, I was cutting corners. I was following those rules, but I wasn't as low carb as recommended and I was concocting foods to replace the grain filled alternatives(read: almond flour pancakes).

So the next week I planned it right. No more potatoes or rice. Meat and two veggies. More salad. No dried fruit. A coconut milk fudge bar for the evening. Not low carb, but fit all the other criteria and was my one exception to whole foods. I was tracking for the first time in ages and stayed around 1600 calories.

I lost 5 pounds in 5 days.

Well, then the weekend showed up. I still did pretty good, but not as strict. Had a family dinner with fried chicken and an apple crumble(I made)but still too much sugar. Alot came home with me too. Everyday I gained another pound, gaining back 4 of the 5 pounds as I struggled to be back on the strait and narrow. I was still tracking around 1600 calories per day.

I exercised alot. Just kept gaining.

What the heck?!?!? Is there no sympathy on the scale for efforts?

My husband has a huge health program at his work(lucky SOB) and asked them about my thyroid issues and losing weight. It's all under control now, so shouldn't it be easier for me to lose weight? The response was, give it time. If it just got under control a month ago, it's not going to reverse everything on a dime.

Totally understandable. I never really thought about it, but it makes sense.

I was so upset. I cried.

It was so depressing. As if there's nothing I can do to make a difference. My body doesn't want to let go of the weight and it's not ready to either. I can be perfect and lose a few pounds, but slack off a bit and it comes back on as quickly as it left. I'm amazed I don't weigh more... but weighing only 10-15 pound less than when I delivered my third child is horrifying to me. I'm a good 50 pounds overweight and I was hoping to lose a few. But I feel like that hope is lost. I'm fighting an uphill battle that's not fair and I'm screwed every time I loaf one bit.

Oh how I wish I still had my metabolism from 10 years ago. You know as you get older your metabolism will forsake you, but 30-ish doesn't really seem that old... once you get there. But I really do believe it was the pregnancies that knocked everything out of whack for me. Doesn't mean I'm any less screwed.

I'm a single mom this week. I have alot of pasta on the menu and break apart cookie dough. I just don't care that much right now. I can't even go to the gym because I have a sick kid. I am trying not to overload on the food though, it feels gross to eat too much junk. For now.