Thanksgiving Week

Well - this week has had it's ups and downs.

I finally saw my doctor about my thyroid. My numbers were indeed out of whack and my medication has been altered. I also made sure to specify that I got the brand medication and not the generic. I remembered him mentioning that when I first started the medication that the brand worked much better than the generic, but some how along the way I switched.

It's been 4 days and I am feeling much better. I wouldn't say I'm thinking clearly, but I have alot more energy and motivation. I feel like things are possible to accomplish. And that yes, maybe I can begin to loose weight again.

Despite some renewed hope on the weight loss front, I've eaten like a pig this week. Well, maybe not that bad- but not good. I'm holding out for New Years - but trying to not ruin myself in the meantime. Well, ruin any more...

So far the damage is +10 lbs since August.

It's very clear to me that my thyroid had alot to do with my energy levels and my mood. I just stayed up till midnight dusting the living room. I haven't dusted for at least 6 weeks. You'll know I'm better when I can actually remember when I last did something.

He informed me that so many things, and all the things I mentioned to him, can change or be magnified thru the thyroid. That was nice to hear because I was feeling rather depressed and didn't know if I needed to see a counselor. I'll give this some time to see if this helps. It's funny though - thru out the conversation he asked me pointed questions where I would answer with an example- and I kept feeling like I was not giving him the best answer or couldn't remember all that I wanted to say. Later I remembered what I should have said. And it's just another clear example of how I've lost my mind because of my thyroid. I can't believe I forgot to tell him these things!!! Not that it mattered- he got the point... but sheeesh! This mental problem I'm having is BAD!

Alright - enough said. I'll be back when I'm actually ready to make some changes.

Denial

I just dread this post. I dread all the time between this post and my last- and probably a month or two before that as well.

I'm just in denial about everything.

I'm mad at myself, annoyed and just plain depressed about where I am in all this. Life is busy and I just don't know that I have tons of time to devote to changing my weight. Although you don't need a ton of time and I'm not using that as an excuse, it just means I'm going to have to do things differently. But hey- what I'm doing isn't working anyways!

We got back from our Disney trip last week-which is just a reminder that I'm not anywhere where I wanted to be with my weight. I had a goal. I just didn't persevere and stick to any plan long enough to get solid results. So disappointed in myself.

What's worse is on the trip- I seemed to put on weight. Sure, I indulged, I planned on it to some degree! But we did walk - ALL - DAY - LONG! In the end I put on 3 pounds. Not too bad. It felt like more though because as the week went on, my clothes weren't fitting very well and I had to pick out a few of the roomier items from what I brought. So depressing and annoying.

The real blow to the ego though is viewing the Disney pictures. I always hint during events that "it sure would be nice to be remembered..." because I usually handle the camera. (And frankly, you don't get your picture taken unless your with one of the kids. Sorry, just fact of nature that kids make it acceptable to take your picture- but otherwise... well, I need to take pictures of the kids.)

Back to the point though- my wonderful husband took over some camera duty throughout the trip. At a couple points he decides to take pictures when we're unaware. Just walking to and from areas- nothing real exciting, and frankly not pictures I would want to keep or show off.

But what they show me is what I really look like.

Sure, I have mirrors in the house. I should know. But my mental image is of what and who I was before kids. Which was not skinny, by any means. (Although I would LOVE to be at that weight now!!) But my image is still the same- maybe larger, bc I know I don't fit into a size 12 anymore, but roughly the same. Obviously overweight, but still a normal shape.

Well- that's not what I saw. It's not extreme, I'm at about 200 lbs. But I look round. I look... wide. I look horrible!

I always try to see the curve in my waist or the pleasing neckline of a shirt, or the right length of the capri pants. I look to see how a shirt fits, but I don't see the shape that it's fitting.

I'm so embarrassed to look at those pictures. Is this how everyone sees me and yet I thought I was more normal than that? I always felt I just needed to get off the baby weight (and more would be nice) and it was just slipping from my grasp. I wasn't really fat because it was just temporary - I still had my shape and I just wasn't working hard enough to make those changes.

Well, I think somewhere along the way I slipped away from that into - fat!

I feel like I should post a picture to illustrate the blog, but I'm not going to. Why would I?? But I'll probably print some of the pictures to use as motivation. To keep me out of denial.

I guess the first step is getting on the scale in the morning.