Denial

I just dread this post. I dread all the time between this post and my last- and probably a month or two before that as well.

I'm just in denial about everything.

I'm mad at myself, annoyed and just plain depressed about where I am in all this. Life is busy and I just don't know that I have tons of time to devote to changing my weight. Although you don't need a ton of time and I'm not using that as an excuse, it just means I'm going to have to do things differently. But hey- what I'm doing isn't working anyways!

We got back from our Disney trip last week-which is just a reminder that I'm not anywhere where I wanted to be with my weight. I had a goal. I just didn't persevere and stick to any plan long enough to get solid results. So disappointed in myself.

What's worse is on the trip- I seemed to put on weight. Sure, I indulged, I planned on it to some degree! But we did walk - ALL - DAY - LONG! In the end I put on 3 pounds. Not too bad. It felt like more though because as the week went on, my clothes weren't fitting very well and I had to pick out a few of the roomier items from what I brought. So depressing and annoying.

The real blow to the ego though is viewing the Disney pictures. I always hint during events that "it sure would be nice to be remembered..." because I usually handle the camera. (And frankly, you don't get your picture taken unless your with one of the kids. Sorry, just fact of nature that kids make it acceptable to take your picture- but otherwise... well, I need to take pictures of the kids.)

Back to the point though- my wonderful husband took over some camera duty throughout the trip. At a couple points he decides to take pictures when we're unaware. Just walking to and from areas- nothing real exciting, and frankly not pictures I would want to keep or show off.

But what they show me is what I really look like.

Sure, I have mirrors in the house. I should know. But my mental image is of what and who I was before kids. Which was not skinny, by any means. (Although I would LOVE to be at that weight now!!) But my image is still the same- maybe larger, bc I know I don't fit into a size 12 anymore, but roughly the same. Obviously overweight, but still a normal shape.

Well- that's not what I saw. It's not extreme, I'm at about 200 lbs. But I look round. I look... wide. I look horrible!

I always try to see the curve in my waist or the pleasing neckline of a shirt, or the right length of the capri pants. I look to see how a shirt fits, but I don't see the shape that it's fitting.

I'm so embarrassed to look at those pictures. Is this how everyone sees me and yet I thought I was more normal than that? I always felt I just needed to get off the baby weight (and more would be nice) and it was just slipping from my grasp. I wasn't really fat because it was just temporary - I still had my shape and I just wasn't working hard enough to make those changes.

Well, I think somewhere along the way I slipped away from that into - fat!

I feel like I should post a picture to illustrate the blog, but I'm not going to. Why would I?? But I'll probably print some of the pictures to use as motivation. To keep me out of denial.

I guess the first step is getting on the scale in the morning.