Today

I don't know why I just lose control. It like I just give up all my rights and control and I just let the old me take over. I can feel the loss of muscle in me. I don't "feel" in shape anymore. Before I was toning and training my body. Now it's just softening all over and plumping up as well. I don't like it. But I feel as if summer is here and I've lost control. My time is not my own. Meals are out of my control. and what's that? a brownie? Okay!!!

Wait. What?

No. No Brownie. NO!

Walk away Amy - you have a choice. You don't have to eat the sweet treats just because you were unexpectedly surprised.

I worry about what lies ahead - but then when the problem faces me - I'm blinded and I don't even remember there's a problem with brownies. They're good - what's the problem? Oh - they're not good for me... well, what am I supposed to do? I'm surrounded by brownies in every form. Has no one ever heard of asparagus???

I feel better when I eat clean, I just feel powerless sometimes. and at picnics I feel I have no control over what's on my plate because everyone brought the food - great food, and I need to try their dish - it's my favorite. And then the mentality that - " I will NOT not live my life!! I will enjoy the tastes of summer..." and then I fall deeper into the old me.

So, I had a realization today. BLAH! okay - I think I can get it out now.

I have a friend who is doing incredibly AWESOME with her weightloss. Since the beginning of the year she's lost 40 pounds. 40 POUNDS!!! OMG! That is so great! But here's the BLAH part. I feel as if that was my potential. We started exercising at about the same time, but she started WW at that time, I waited about 6 weeks. So I was working out(like crazy!!!) but I wasn't dieting And here I am, continuing not to diet. So I feel as if I could have lost 40 pounds, or even 30, if I had tried and been more consistant. And then I wonder - why am I going to WW? I'm avoiding the WIs because I know it won't be good. And if I wait a little bit longer - maybe then I'll have a loss. So I feel defeated and mad at myself because I can feel the fat on my body. and now know the numbers that could have been mine.

I hate when I feel defeated.

I need a goal - a real goal. Not someone elses goal... but I don't have one.