My desk is a mess. My kitchen is a mess. My hair is a mess. My eating is a mess.
I feel - well, I feel a mess.
I was gathering focus and purpose. A redirection for the new year. It was nice to have focus and purpose. To feel on track in many personal areas of my life. And as I described in my previous post - I am distracted. And rightly so. My grandfather passed away today. He is at peace. But with his peace - it stirs unrest in the living. Isn't it so? Because all of a sudden we are faced with our own immortality.
But I am a Christian. A born again christian. I have hope. I know where he is with certainty and so I don't need to grieve so dismally. And maybe I'm not. But still, here I am - being very philosophical when I rarely am. And actually - I think I am looking at immorality different than I ever have before. Although I am sad - I'm not as doom and gloom as I have been. I'm not playing the what if game (although now that I brought it up - what a great idea before bed!- sarcasm if you didn't notice it dripping...) Anyway - I think at this point I'm more interested in knowing my grandfather better - because there's so much of his life before I started paying attention. I'm also more interested in making the most of my life. ~But also in respect of my walk with God. Do I walk with purpose? Do I walk with His purpose? I don't feel like I do. Thank goodness I'm a mother and credited with this ever so "godly" purpose of raising godly children. Um - yeah, after I get of FB, right? (again, sarcasm. If you knew me, I wouldn't point this out so much an annoy the readers... sorry.)
So, I suppose I am facing my immortality and wondering what my purpose is. I don't need death to play this conversation in my head. I've been beating myself up about this for years. I know God has a plan for me - and I know I've done some good by it... walked with him and followed him. But day to day as a parent? I'm not so sure. It's not so easy to recognize. Although it's very easy to point out my selfish desires. Sometimes their hard to see - but try to take them away - and you'll see them.
So what now? I am a mess. I will probably continue to be a mess for the next week. And that's okay. Although I really hope I don't lose my motivation and the direction I had last week. I will take this time to focus more on my spiritual life. It is one of my priorities. And I'd like to know more about where my grandfather is. But I'm not worried about the future - or worried about all the what ifs. I'm excited to be more in-tune with God's plan for my life. And if I am more in-tune with that, then I guess I won't be such a mess after all.