New Year

I bet there is alot of blogging going on about the new year!!! I'm actually pretty excited to have a written record of my New Year's Resolutions. And I've been particularly productive today - so I feel like I can accomplish alot. So I'm writing out my resolutions!

Weight Loss:
I'm very hesitant to put a goal for weighloss this year. Last year I stepping up the exercise routine - and actually had a routine and joined WW. I was only part of WW for 16 weeks and lost 16 pounds. But yah know what - that's pretty much all the weight I lost for the whole year!!! Obviously food tracking is majorly important to my weightloss goals. But I hate tracking. It's too much work. Blah!

So - what are my weight loss goals? I'm not really sure. All I know is I want to lose weight. and I want to be successful. I'm working with my husband in picking a half marathon towards the end of the year. So it's my goal to train for a half marathon. And along the way - I know I'll lose weight. Right?

I got a new digital scale for Christmas. So tomorrow, I'll read the direction book for it(because it tells you more things like body fat and stuff like that.) So tomorrow I will weigh in for the first time in a long time. I think I will make Friday's my WI day though. And I will make small goals to reach after that. I just can't look at the big picture of a year and say I want to loose 60 pounds in 12 months. That's too big for me.

Spiritually:
I'm a born again Christian. I won't go into the details, but I've definitely let things fall out of perspective. So My goal is to make my relationship with God a priority. That starts with reading my bible and praying more regularly. And actually studying what I'm reading and learning about at church. This is seems do-able and something I've been working on anyways. I just need to be more intentional about it. And so I will.

Organization:
I am so disorganized. I think part of it(excuses.... ) is that my thyroid is out of wack, and so mentally I'm not as sharp. I'm naturally not an organized person anyways - but forgetting everything doesn't help either.
I have several areas I need to organize in my life. The first is my business. If you didn't know, I'm an independent consultant for BeautiControl. I love it! I do in-home spa parties... but the paperwork is way behind. I need to get my taxes in order ASAP so I don't fall behind on next year as well. And I need to keep my desk cleaned off. That would be awesome.
Which leads me to the next thing. I want to declutter the house. I know I shouldn't "compete with the Jones'" BUT - it seems like our house is a lot more "lived in" than most of our friends. And some of the "stuff" we have is stuff we acquired in college or early marriage. We don't care about it. It's just junk really. We've already started this - but there's definitely some more areas that need work.

That's all I can think of right now. I have some current priotities in my life that I want to continue like Clean healthy living of "real food." I got a breadmaker to help me in this process! Keeping family and health high on the priority list.

Eye Opener

Ugh... I had an eye opener today, and it wasn't pretty. I went to they gym today to work out, despite the kids program at school and my mom ditching me for work and my husband ditching me for christmas shopping. I can't be totally mad, he was shopping for me!

Anyways - I was kind of looking forward to exercising alone and really getting to listen to my music. I did fairly well - but I relaized (at just the right time) that usually theres a class at noon. So I looked to check it out and it was Zumba basics. I wanted a "good" workout, so I passed on it. Well, after 15-20 minutes of running, I decided zumba would be more fun. So I joined the class late. Then I got buzzed 5 minutes into it. But 5 minutes was long enough for me to look in the mirror. And it wasn't pretty. I knew my shirt was tighter, but I thought that was because I naturally shrink things. Maybe I don't. Maybe I'm just getting bigger. Sigh...

I really need to lay off the cookies.

Running

So today was actually a pretty big day for me! As you might have read - I did alot of exercise today for the first time in a few weeks. I did 25 min on the cross trainer(the hard one!) and ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. (about 2 miles)

This afternoon I was back at the gym because my boy had a sports class. So I went to the running track that circles the gym. I was planning on walking so I wouldn't need a second shower for the day. But I saw the sign... 20 laps = 1 mile.

Hmm...

So I decided to run a mile. But I would break it up into segments. 5 laps at a time. This is big for me because I've never run off of a treadmill. I've been afraid of the 5K because I've not run outside ever. (Well, I guess I did for a stint in high school... but that was a long time ago and 50 pounds lighter.)

Anyways - it was hard!!! Harder than I hoped it would be. But I was able to push through it. But I didn't like it. I was proud I finished. But I sure was huffing and puffing!!

Part of me dreams to run the bigger races. Of course start with a few 5Ks... but I think I'd like to sign up for the half marathon at Disney. We're going to Disney next fall... and I know they have races once or twice a year. I'm afraid of a Marathon... and especially after today - WOW! I can't imagine ever running 26 miles strait!!!

But I think I have a goal for myself. I need to share it with Mike... and make it real. I wish I had a partner in this. I think that would be a TON more fun. But as I was running - well, honestly it was as I was catching my breath!! - I was imagining and thinking of how I could train. How I'd have to make running outside a priority in the summer - maybe in the evening when Mike was home..


I want to be a runner.

Peer Pressure?

So I mentioned in my last post that my husband Mike was making some comments about my weight. Sounds horrible, doesn't it?

Well, it's not really.

And fortunately he's in no place to judge my eating and exercise habits. His work schedule is a bit different right now so he hasn't been able to get to the gym at lunchtime and his lunches are provided. And it's usually crap. Plus they get snacks throughout the day. All crap. And he feels gross and fat. But he doesn't have alot of control over his time. I think he's going to pack a bit more this week.

I don't particularly like when he comments about my eating habits. And he's not saying anything horrible or mean. Just calling me out on a few things I rather left hidden. Like all the fast food I keep getting at lunchtime. He works it into the conversation ever so slyly. But to me, it's a big sign. And I don't like being called out on my negative habits. But there's not much I can say or do, except change.

And like I said - he's not very judgemental. But I think it's helped me. These little things aren't going unnoticed. Obviously my body isn't forgetting about the hamburgers and the onion rings and the pop. I need to start taking better care of myself. And as much as I would like to wait till after the New Year, I don't think I can. Like I mentioned in my last post - these red flags are not something I want to get used to. I don't like being so full I can't get a good breath in. That's just not right and not somewhere I want to be.

So as much as I'd like to pretend the pop I'm drinking isn't *that bad*. . . umm, it kind of is. And all the cookies and crap I've been eating is really pretty gross. It's like I'm trying to gain weight. And it has to stop. Today.

A New Beginning

Hmm... I wonder how many of my post titles refer to starting again?

So, I haven't posted for a few weeks. Because I've fallen off the bandwagon. There's no real excuses. Just yet another excuse. I've eaten to my heart's content. I've splurged - I've eaten just because I could. I've eaten out of stress, that's for sure!!! I think I've been eating out of depression too.

I'm just not quite right lately. But I can't put my finger on it.

But oddly enough - I keep reading several weightloss blogs I enjoy. And alot of people are doing great - especially with the new WW program they just came out with. They're building momentum they wouldn't normally have at this time of year. And that excitement was almost very contagious.

I want to want to lose weight, but for some reason -I can barely make myself meet my mother at the gym. I've even skipped and made excuses when possible. I just am dragging lately. Cooking has just become this monumental task I just can't even broach anymore. I used to be very creative (at least once or twice a week) with meals. And with not going to the gym, I'm home more during the days - but I can't bring myself to accomplish anything. It's all just too much for me right now.

But the title here is A New Beginning. And I think it is. This past week, I've just exceeded my standards of *fatness*. I'm not sure what that means - but I've crossed a line somewhere - and I'm not willing to go down that road. I've gained a good 5 pounds over my high end of fluctuation. So these are my red flags I'm not willing to let take me over:
**In danger of my clothes not fitting.
**Trouble breathing when slouched certain ways and after eating too much.
**Bending and reaching is harder(out of breath, can't reach past the fatness.)
**Husband is starting to notice and comment about it. (more on that later!)

I keep reading these blogs and it's motivating, but I just didn't have it in me to change anything. But for some reason, last night - something did change. And I'm ready to start exercising again. Diet ~ well, I'll try to get better, but I'm not ready to go into full diet mode.

So today - I went full steam! I did 25 minutes on the hard cross trainers(not sure what they're technically called) and then I ran for 30 minutes. I took my son to the gym n the afternoon for his sports class, and that leaves me 45 minutes of extra exercise time. I meant to just walk - but I ended up running a mile. My eating wasn't great today - but I definitely stepped it up in the exercise department, which is sort of my MO. I'll take it!

I think my goal right now is to just loose these 5 pounds by New Years. Since I just put them off, I'm hoping they'll come off quickly too. Hopefully!

Black Friday Shopping

Black Friday shopping should be about shopping for Christmas gifts - but it's usually shopping for ourselves plus a few gifts we found deals on.

This year we didn't get into that much shopping. I've done quite a bit of shopping before Thanksgiving and we're trying to save money for Disney.

So- that said - around 10am I headed out to Kohl's. I bought two gifts and over $150 in clothes for me!

Now, I knew I'd be spending some money on myself - and I don't care that I spent all my saved clothing money. There were great deals and I feel like I own very little that fits me and it's becoming depressing. No, I haven't lost weight. I'm somewhere between a 14 and a 16. But I pretty much have 1 pair of non-sweats that fit - and I have to wear a belt because the waist isn't tight fitted enough for me. But it's ultra annoying and I feel like the belt just makes me look rounder.

Anyways - I got some great deals and I feel better - and a bit thinner wearing my new clothes. I still haven't exercised this weekend... tomorrow would be a good day. But it's also a good day to put up Christmas decorations. I will have to be very determined to do so.

What a day to start!

Yeah - the day before Thanksgiving is a great time to start dieting...

Anyways - today was actually a pretty good day! I TRACKED my calories! I was going for 1500-1600 and I think I ended up more like 1750... depends on how many calories are in popcorn. There's definitely room for improvement, but tracking for the first time in months(the whole day!) is just awesome for me...

I just got done watching the Biggest Loser - Where Are They Now episode. And it is just motivating and inspiring. I know there's some controversy behind it all- but frankly - the contestants seem happy with themselves... so who am I to knock it?

Anyways, at the end they ran a triathlon... I can only imagine running a triathlon. But you know what I realized... when the first people were running in - they did it in just under 3 hours. Well - I can move for three hours!!! And I just realize that it's not impossible for me. I can run for half an hour... I just need to push myself and see how far I can take this. I know I am capable of so much... but I feel limited. For example... I have never run outside... but winter is knocking... how can I start now? But I could if I wanted to. People do it all the time. I'm just excusing myself.

I think my first goal is to see how long and far I can run this weekend. It might not be Friday - but I will, and I'll let you know how it goes! I will at least run a 5K. I feel disappointed in myself for not getting myself together enough to be ready for the Turkey Trot tomorrow... but life has been crazy... blah blah blah. There I go again with the excuses. I might have been slowed down, but I CAN DO GREAT THINGS! I AM CAPABLE!!!

A New Reason to Lose Weight

So I had kind of a "Duh!" moment today. The actual conversation happened about a month ago - and today I remembered it and finally put two and two together.

Me being at a healthy weight is more than just wanting to look good and feel better about myself. But now I realize that my weight sets a tone for my oldest daughter. This is not my 6 year old Paige - although I'm sure it applies to her as well. But my 15 year old daughter Sarah - who I placed for adoption.

I actually get to see her and her mom somewhat regularly. They go to the same gym as me. Now, I only see Sarah why she's off of school, and today was one of those days. And seeing them and talking briefly about new healthy habits they're embarking on... reminded me of when I saw her mom a month ago.

Sarah wasn't there, but we saw mom and she(we) were talking about Sarah's birthday and how she's almost to the age where I got pregnant with her ~ SCARY!!! (on sooo many levels!) Anyways - she said Sarah was self conscious about her weight. Sarah is not fat - but still kinda between the young kid stage and grown teenage stage. Seeing her today I thought she looked better than she did this summer, actually. Anyways - her mom commented how I have never been super slim(it's okay - she said it politely...) and so she shouldn't beat herself up since she's obviously has a medium build... blah blah blah...

So today - it made me realize... I am not some hefty medium build. Sure - I look big and puffy now... but I know the real me isn't like that. I know I can be at a healthy weight and I'd look pretty good! So my daughter needs to see that. She needs to know that if she wants to - she can be and stay at a healthy weight - and I don't have to be an excuse for her.

I know alot of people want to lose weight for their kids... but I've never had health problems related to my weight... so it's never bothered me. And my kids now seem to have enough of their father's wired state - that I think they'll be just fine. They even like the healthy foods... So they're off to a good start. I just now need to get my act together so Sarah knows she can too. Not that I think she needs to lose weight... but that she's beautiful where she's at and that she isn't doomed to look like me at 200 pounds.

So today - I worked out twice. Once at the gym(ran for 25 minutes) and then at home I rocked it out to some new music hubby downloaded for me - for about 45 minutes. It felt good. I feel ready for Thanksgiving. And I got on the scale - I'm only 1 pound up from my high fluctuation... (that would be 191. 185 is the low point, just FYI.)

....sigh....

Well - I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth... I can't believe I haven't posted anything all month! Wow!

But, I don't post when I'm not actively working on weight loss. And let's face it, it's been a couple months since I've been dieting and losing any weight. But this past month has been especially difficult - personally.

And I've never thought that my circumstances affected my ability to function- but in this case it has. A situation with my son has put a strain on a friendship - plus has totally confused us in the parental role. And I've been very upset about it all. There were a couple days where I just felt like crying about the whole thing...and did.. . and most activities(except what was necessary) came to a halt. I've eaten fast food more days than not.

And just when I thought things were normalizing and we could move forward - everything got stirred up again. And I was highly upset when I realized how this friendship has been changed. Needless to say - it's upset my workout routine and my motivation and desire to do much of anything. I'm just now starting to read the blogs I used to follow, to crave something other than grease, salt and sugar. The motivation is creeping up, yet I've not taken that leap into the healthy living world.

I'm nervous to get on the scale and see the damage. But I'm eager to take it off. I feel like Thanksgiving is in my way. I've been reading about all these plans to *stay on plan*... glad everyone is being proactive. But I'm just emerging out of survival mode... I think I'll enjoy the holiday. Enjoy the face time with family and be thankful I'm not so depressed about my circumstances anymore.

It was so hard to *bounce back* like I knew I needed to. Taking care of the kids, the house and responding to my husband in a loving manner... was exhausting. It took some getting out with friends to really help me get beyond myself and my circumstances. I don't know if these circumstances are fully behind us... I know the friendship doesn't need to change... if I can get beyond myself. ...sigh... easier said than done!

Have a great Thanksgiving everyone! Enjoy the people you're with and be thankful.

Update: Weightloss at a Glance

So, I just updated my "Weightloss ata Glance" at the side of my blog. I changed it because - I'm not WI at WWs anymore, so why keep using that number. My scale is 9-10 pounds nicer than thier scale - and it's what I see day to day - so why not just show those numbers. Of course I still need to loose the same amount of weight - but whatever.

Anyways - I didn't realize that I've lost 27 pounds since I had Ryan! All I was remembering was the 16 pounds I lost on WWs. It just sounds more impressive to hear the big number! Like I actually accomplished something!!! And it makes me realize, I want that number to turn into 30 pounds... 27 is so uneven!

Huh. I don't feel like such a failure anymore! Wish I had time to workout!

Too Busy Too Bad?

So I'm in a very busy part of the month. Actually - it's just the time of year. The first week of the month is my busy time of month. But Halloween is knocking on our door step - which means all the fall fun is about to come to an end - Carpe Diem, right? But that's added into the regular obligations and schedules of life - and you get one crazy time!

Let me run my few days by you. Yesterday, well, it's over - I really don't have the energy to recap. But I stayed up a touch too late - then couldn't fall asleep because I have a chest cold. Not a good thing when your little one wakes you up seemingly moments after you settle your cough and fall asleep. I'm sure I slept longer than I did, but it didn't feel like it.

Today I had a Mops meeting(that's Mothers of Preschoolers) and it is a social event - but it doesn't mean we're not busy trying to get everyone where they need to be in the morning and not tired by the end of it. We also have lots of good food - that will be important later.

Tonight I have a Spa party - so I've been getting ready all week. It doesn't normally take this much time, but since I haven't done a Spa party in about two months - I need to reorganize and make sure everything is where I can find it easily. So I have to prep for that this afternoon and then party tonight! Normally I wouldn't schedule a Spa the same day as a Mops event(it's too draining...) but it was kind of out of my control... long story - blah blah blah...

Tomorrow night I'm hosting a Scentsy party, which I'm excited about because I don't have to do anything! Oh, excpetn clean the house I let fall apart this week. sigh...

So - too busy. We tend to make unhealthy decisions, right? Yesterday I was at a playdate(where I met up with a friend and watcher her two kids(taking them home with me) for the rest of the afternoon...) and I ate more bad crap then I meant to. But we were all just sitting around the food! Certainly mistake #1... but, I didn't eat the lunch I had made for myself. Certainly my lunch was healthier and better for me - but at least I didn't eat both.

And today - I come home, I didn't eat too bad at Mops, and normally I shouldn't eat anything when I get home, but I usually do. And there are things I should want to eat. Like the preschool party's halloween candy we brought home today... There's some good stuff int here! But I just don't want it. I feel drawn to eat it though. Because that's what I do. I eat Reese cups and other yummy chocolates. But I'm really not even hungry for them. Why would I eat them? Why do I want to eat what I'm not even craving or desiring?

Because it's habit. Habit is telling me those are my candies. He doesn't like them anyways. Habit is telling me it's okay to have a second meal right now- because I always do. But I'm really just tired and want a nap. I'm not hungry.

So I'm avoiding temptation - the temptation of habit. I put the candy in a halloween bowl out of site. And I'm thinking all the busy-ness is what's draining my appetite. I'm not too concerned, I'm glad. It's just opposite of what you hear. I'm looking forward to slowing down though.

Oh - and I think I'm still doing good because we have a solid plan for meals this week. So I'm not even thinking about hitting fast food - because leftovers(yummy ones) are int he fridge. Tonight it's lasagna!

My New Workout, so far

It's been 1.5 weeks since I've been given my new workout from my husband. The first day consisted of lunges. That destroyed my legs for about three days. But I did it again on Friday and I did much better. I don't know if I didn't do them to my best ability or what - but I'm excited to make improvements.

I also noticed a difference this morning. It actually warm out - so I grabbed my capri's from this summer. Their denim and a bit - tight. Until they've been sufficiently stretched out. So I was kind of dreading putting them on, but I've put everything else away. (60 is the new warm here people!)

Well, they weren't tight at all!!! I haven't really lost weight - but I know these are newly washed when put in the drawer - so I'm excited that maybe I've tightened up a bit within the past month or so.

There's also been another change made around here - in just the past day or two. My husband has switched out the computer chair with the fitness ball. So we can tighten and tone as we surf the web!

We'll see. Right now my back is more tired than my abs. Obviously an area that needs work.

Still motivated, making one change at a time.

Well, it's Sunday morning and I stayed home. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe it is the flu. Sometimes I feel great - let's go to the gym! but then other times I'm having a hot flash followed by cold sweats. And this cold has gone into my lungs, so I'm coughing alot. I used the Netti pot. I'll have to use that again before bed. I'm not sleeping so well with the nasal congestion.

Anyways - that's not what this post is about! Well, kinda is. Usually(and I hear this from many people) when they get sick - they get derailed from their plan. Definitely with exercise, but also with eating. Now - I haven't been "on plan" in a long time, so I suppose I never could have fallen off. But I haven't done too bad. I have been exercising this week and I think I'm more motivated than ever to start making this work! To stop wasting all my exercise time and make a difference in my plate.

I'm starting with my lunches this week. This is my weakest point. I want a nice hot satisfying lunch. It's also my weakest point when it comes to clean eating. I like a frozen alfredo meal. Now - I have found one low in calories(250) and it does have some spinach in it.. and it's *light* but it's never going to be part of clean eating. But I really don't' care for sandwiches or salads. Plus it's too much work. So this week - my plan is to roast a chicken(today) then chop up a big batch so I can put it in wraps with lettuce, tomato and brucetta or whatever... something tasty. I'm going to make this for my daughter as well - give her a break from her sandwiches at school. So hopefully this will help me. I'll have to figure out the calories, cut up some extra veggies to go with it.

My week.

Well, I think I'm back in the game!!! I've seen the scale calm down and return to (somewhat) normal. I still need to lose 4 pounds to be back to when I quit WW. But I'm at my low point (189 on my scale). And the reason why I think I'm back in the game, is because I didn't do myself any diet favors this week! Last night I had a whole piece of cheesecake. Total stress eating. And I think I've been snacking more because the house is running low on EVERYTHING! I'm trying to stay within our food budget - and it's been hard... and the shelves would be easy to clean! So I think I've been trying to prevent starvation?? Totally stupid... I know.

I've even been a bit sick this week. I caught a nasty cold... but that encouraged me to drink a TON of tea Tuesday night.. which means I had no appetite for snacks. I could barely swallow anything but hot(sweet) liquid. But I've been feeling better - so I keep going to the gym. I skipped Wednesday, but I went Thursday and Friday. I normally don't go 4 days a week, I'm usually too busy! But apparently, things have slowed down! Yeah! So I'm going to try to keep the momentum going by hitting the gym again tomorrow(w/ my personal trainer!) and then hopefully keep my diet in line. I really need to track calories again. I'm just not there. One habit at a time. I'm getting there though. I'm feeling the momentum and I want to enhance what I'm doing... and diet is an easy way to do it! Usually sickness derails me entirely - but not this time! I can still walk on a treadmill!

My Personal Trainer

Today I worked out with my own personal trainer. Normally I couldn't afford one, so I asked my husband for help! He's been working out for a good 6 months with a psycho muscle man... who knows his stuff and my husband has picked up alot. He's built more muscle , although I don't know if he's trimmed fat - and he works out at lunch. Just about every day. Geez... I wish I could workout with a personal trainer everyday at work!!!
I give him a hard time, because it's so unfair. I have so many obstacles in getting to the gym. Mainly the kids... but there's so much wrapped up in that as well! If no one is sick, and I'm not busy, and no one is napping I can get everyone ready - by myself - load them into the car, drive across town(it's really not that far) and then take them into the child watch. It was especially annoying when I New Years had just passed and I always had to park across one of the busiest streets in all of Erie - in the winter - and walk my kids across holding one hand while pushing a stroller... sheesh! There were some bitter feelings to all the single young adults who parked in the main parking lot. but I digress.

So - we had the time, he made me up a couple different workouts to push me a bit further than I do myself. So I got to try one of them out today - and I liked it pretty well! Except for the lunges, squats, and pushups, but it's hard to totally avoid those.

I'm very excited. I feel as if I've been wandering around, exercising but with no real plan. Sure I knew what I needed to do, but did I really? I do random classes and cardio equipment. I've been using the same weight machines for about 6-9 months now... I definitely needed a change. I'm hoping my personal trainer knows a thing or two and I'll start shedding more fat. I did burn more calories than I normally do - about 1150.

My mom came too, I think this will help her lose those last 5 pounds. She didn't do everything, but most everything. She skipped the pushups and mountain climbers.. but that's okay.

So, my next workout is to run on Monday. Tuesday I'll do the full routine. I'm ready!

The Silver Lining

Just a quite note here... I've been doing a bunch of baking. Fortunately not all for me and my family!!! And I'm so sick of the idea of sugar - BLAH!!!!

Do you ever reach that point where you've eaten so much junk you can't stand it anymore and therefore - lose your appetite for a couple days?? It's great!!! It's a like a reset button for dieting! And I am currently in the midst of that. I'm not hardly snacking - and if I am - it's to test the new recipe I'm using for these cookies. But I think I'll have to go by my husband's opinion because I don't like any of it!

So I hope this continues on for a bit longer - maybe I'll actually start to lose weight! As it is, I've just managed to lose the weight I've gained in the past week. I'm okay with that - at least I lost it!

I'm hoping this weekend to head to the gym with my husband - have him show me some strength training tips. Since he has his own personal trainer at work everyday! (Not really - but he might as well be a personal trainer, it's totally unfair!) Anyways... we also have the opportunity to go out to eat tomorrow night. We have the time, the money - and hey - it's Friday! But unless something changes, I think I'd rather wait till I was desperate to go out. I just don't feel like eating.

How awesome is that?!?!

Something New About Myself

In the past week or so, I've been struggling with my time and makeing healthy decisions. At the time I didn't realize how connected they were. I've been exercising, but then eating horribly. I've been wanting to cook and bake to prep for more clean meals - but I barely have the energy to do frozen pizza or spaghetti. My desires to do the right thing just didn't seem to get backed up with action.

So what did I do? I blamed it on the weather! Everyone(it seems) has been feeling particularly tired and lacking motivation. Maybe it's something about the time of year and the crummy weather. Who knows. But I decided a few days ago - it wasn't my fault. Hahaa!

So today - I skipped the gym. I could have gone... but my son needed a mornign nap if I was to accomplish all the activities in the afternoon. So we stayed home... And I started to prep dinner - Chicken Noodle Slop(lovely, I know!)I'll post a recipe soon. Anyways - I did that and decided to take the remaining chicken and make chicken nuggets. This is something I've been wanted to do, but just never had the time - or if I did - no energy. So I did.

And this is what I realized about myself: When I spend my mornings at the gym, yes, I burn alot of calories, but then I've depleted all my energy for most of the day. I do very little after lunch and the afternoon. After dinner I have renewed energy to go out or tackle a project. But that's not the right time to start cooking.

So, in a way - my taking a break from exercising, has really helped me in other areas. I can make healthy meals for me and my family. I have more energy for the whole day. I didn't have any snacks - and actually - I'm not even really craving them this evening. But when I work out - I'm depleted and don't have the willpower to hold to my decisions.

Hmm... this makes me wonder, how can I exercise without totally depleteing my resources physically??? Any ideas??

Blog Title

So, I'm surfing the net - and looking for some new blogs that I can relate to. Certainly - I'm using the titles to help guide me into which ones I want to check out first. And it occurs to me - that most titles are kinda catchy or descriptive in their purpose.

Then there's mine.

Let's Not Play Games.

Well - I picked that title because when it comes to weight loss - we all play our little games. And I'm not any different. If anything, I feel more convicted about the mental games I play. I can get in the game physically - but then I sabotage myself with dieting, thinking that my desires for weight loss and my plans for change will result in change. But I always want to wait until tomorrow to really change.

So it's a reminder to me to get real with myself - and stop playing the games.

But that's not the initial reason I picked this blog title. In my world of friends and family who diet and exercise - I have often heard about those who have been working so hard to lose this weight or tone such and such a muscle... but they're not really trying. They do the easiest machines - then never change their workout - they barely break a sweat - they don't do any strength training - and still expect results! What are they thinking?!??! But they're proud of their efforts - and confused about why they don't work. But what can you say? You don't want to burst their bubble - or be the downer - or the one person who doesn't believe in them! But of course, that's not how I feel - I'm sure there's a good way to approach these situations - but it's just easier to commiserate and maybe suggest something outside of their realm. But that's often followed by an excuse.

But am I really any different? I write myself off saying I'm not good at dieting. So does that mean I don't have to try? NO! I need to keep trying and unfortunately, I'll have to try harder than some people. And I know this is true! It's SO hard for me! I don't want to change. So I try to exercise harder and longer - am I really making any dent in my body? Maybe. I think I'm more fit. But I don't think I'm slimming. My numbers haven't changed in a while. So why do I expect change, if I'm not changing.

And here's the moral of the story... As soon as we pass judgement - we become convicted of our own transgressions. Every time, it seems. As soon as I notice a fault in someone else "they should really do something about that..." Boom! It gets thrown back in my face. I may be the only one who realizes any of this - it happens in my own head. Maybe it's just my lesson to learn.

So, Let's Not Play Games - shall we?

The week of dieting

Well, this week has had some ups and downs. I was doing real good initially counting my calories and skipping the evening snacks. It was hard though. I didn't like it. But I did it. Until Wednesday evening. I hadn't started supper and I was getting to the point where I was starving and gulping my food down to feel satisfied. Which I didn't feel at all! All I wanted to do was eat! And the dinner I had planned - was blah to me. Spaghetti. I really don't care for spaghetti. It's usually not too bad once I start eating it, but I didn't want it. So - since my husband was equally stressed out from the week - we went to Burger King. Totally not on the menu - but we were short on time and stressed out. So we did what habit has told us to do. And that night, I had ice cream. Another fail.

Thursday wasn't much better - although I knew it would end with a very rich birthday dessert when we had company over. I was doing okay with eating at lunch - stopping when I was full, even though there was more food to eat. But then before dinner, I thawed some pumpkin cookies. And I ate most of them. I was - again - very stressed by getting the house ready for guests. And I did have that extremely rich dessert - and ate beyond full. Why do I do this?!?!?

But yah know what? Today I'm totally back on track! Although I haven't counted my calories - I will though. My friend left three brownies - and I haven't touched them at all!!! Shocking even to myself! I went to the local cider mill because we needed bread for lunch, and I did buy a half gallon of cider(for my husband) and a half dozen cookies - again, not for me - and then 1 donut for my son. And with all these treats, I had 1 bite of the donut. But I didn't touch the cookies or the cider. Cider doesn't appeal to me. It's good - but I just don't care if I drink any of it. I'm weird.

Okay - my calories are a bit high - but it could be worse!!! Thier about 900 calories. And that's nto counting the bites of bannana I had... Not sure how much that was.

But, I did get to the gym today and burned 1100 calories in my Total Body class. It was a hard class today! And, when I look over the course of the week - I've made it to the gym 4 days - 5 times if you count Monday when I went twice. So Over all, I think I'm doing good. We'll just see if the scale agrees with me. I need to go easy this weekend. I'll be at a Woman's Expo, working a booth, and I can only imagine the tempting food that will be there. I'll have to bring snacks. But otherwise, I have dinner at the inlaws on Saturday - so that will prevent us from eating out. Eating in is always better than eating out.

Well, I'll keep you posted on the scale!

Starting Out

Well, today was a bit rocky! But productive.

So I weighed in this morning. I was 190 exactly. (which at WW would be more like 200 ~ the last thing I want to do is get over 200lbs!)

So I made some good choices today - although it doesn't feel like it helped me much. I ate a healthy breakfast, no snacks at church. But then at lunch, there was nothing to eat. So I ate at the grocery store. I considered picking up fast food on the way to the store. It was a weird afternoon. I was in a very moody place. And as soon as I knew there was nothing in the house for me - I didn't want anything in the house. I wanted to eat out. So eventually settling on the grocery store prepared food was what won out. But I didn't eat great. I ate Chinese. I have no idea how many calories - I don't really care today.

But I waited to eat dinner. We take the kids to church in the evening for Awana. And I was still full from lunch, so I skipped the dinner hour. So I ate when I got home - a bit late, but now I'm not as tempted to eat an evening snack.

Although as soon as I walked into the kitchen, I saw some pumpkin cookies I had made the other day. I wanted dessert. But I grabbed some grapes. I'm making better choices. Changing habits. Although it doesn't feel like much tonight. I wasn't low cal - but I cut back on my snacking and I didn't choose fast food.

I do have a meal plan for the week - which made shopping within the budget so much easier!
Monday: Chicken and veggies
Tuesday: Ham and Broccoli Quiche
Wed: Spaghetti/ravioli
Thurs: Dirty Rice w/ corn bread
Friday: ?? maybe pizza, or homemade chicken nuggets, or eat out.
Saturday: Eating at the In-laws

Just need to keep lunches and snacks in line!!!

So this evening, while driving, I remembered an old pair of jeans.Two actually. I liked them so much I had two. It was my first pair of stretch jeans - where have they been my whole life?!?!? I remember wearing them when I was working, after college. I was about 155 then. Until I got pregnant. I never did fit into them again, although I got close.

I want to wear those jeans again. I really want to. I think that's wear my motivation stems from.

And it got me thinking. Most of my friends now, didn't know me before kids. It's because of kids that we've come together. But they only know me - as who I am now. As a mom. As a larger size woman. But at one point, I was smaller. I wonder how different all my friends would look if I saw them in their previous life.

So - I went looking for a picture. Sadly, I could not find one. I did find several pics of me with some frumpier jeans on. Why did I have no fashion sense? I obviously would not buy those jeans now!

And the picture you see - the one at the start of the post - well, it brought tears to my eyes. That was my "before picture" when I was going to start some diet that never happened. Now, looking at the picture, I definitely had some tightening up to do in the mid section, and surely my legs as well. Well, toning up all over would have been good. But I was sooo skinny! I would love to be there right now! It's amazing how skewed and negative we are about ourselves! Are we never happy? Is it even possible to be happy? Because even when you are at the top of your game - there's always another mountain to climb. Another race to run.

I suppose what I should be learning is to be happy with who I am ~ as I am right now. But I'm just not. I just want to get back to who I was. I want to shead this layer, this coat of fat I've been holding onto. It's not who I am. Not really. I want to be free of it. I feel like I'm a fairly fit person. But I don't look like I am. I want to run and not feel the rolls bouncing around my middle and on my rear. I can feel the fat on me - and I'm ready to peel it off. I'm ready to take take back my body.

Here's another pic of ME!!! (the old me - to become me!)

Ready

I think I may be ready. Really ready.

Sometimes I need to warm up to new changes. Sometimes I jump in, but this time - I keep wanting to restart my weight loss without doing the work.

But now I think I'm ready.

Today - I was driving home from some shopping, and Taco Bell looked me right in the eye. KFC was waving me in. And McD's called me by name.

But I just drove home. I didn't need that. I don't need a double cheese burger right before I go home and eat lunch. And I kept reminding myself of what I had waiting at home. A pretty good lunch actually of leftover Olive Garden and/or leftover Hungry Howies. Yeah - not that much different than a burger, you're probably thinking. Well, calorie wise, your right. The difference lies in habit and decision making. I usually can't resist an urge that strong and would have stopped somewhere. But I decided today was the day. That nothing changes if I don't actually stop the cycle. So I didn't go. I talked myself off the ledge. I looked away from Taco Bell. I waved bye to KFC and pretended I didn't hear my name at McD's. And I called my husband to remind me of what we had to eat!!!!

I didn't do great eating today and there was no time for the gym. But I am ready. I'm changing my habits. I'm becoming more aware of choices I can make. I'm looking for the better choice. I think I'm ready to start this things weight loss process again.

So tomorrow, I will weigh in. I haven't officially done this in quite some time... But you can't lose weight if you don't start somewhere! It will have to be on my scale, and not an official WW scale. (So it's off by 8-10 lbs) But it's a start.

I think I'll give myself a little leeway and count calories, but not necessarily my dinner calories. I always fall of the wagon in that department because it's just too complicated. So if I keep the rest of my daily calories below X - then I'll just eat a sensible dinner, smaller plate - that whole deal. And leave it at that. Lets' lay it out:

1. Count calories, keep daily calories below 800 + dinner.
2. No evening snacks, and if I do - eat fruit. Once a week I can have a bowl of cereal for evening snack.
3. No fast food stops.
4. Exercise 3-5 days a week.
5. Weigh in once a week.
6. Drink pop only when eating out(diet, of course.)

So, tonight I'm planning the meals for the week. This should help alot. My biggest down fall is needing food fast when I'm too tired to make a healthy choice or cook a healthy meal. My first hurtle is lunch tomorrow. I know we shouldn't eat out(don't have the money) but I'm always starving and there's nothing "yummy" at home because Sunday is shopping day. I'll let you know how it goes - especially with the (gulp)weigh in!

The good and the bad

Well - today was good and bad. Good workout wise, bad diet wise. I'm not even sure I want to disclose how bad the eating was... sigh..

Well, lets start with the good!

I went to the gym - which was great! It's been too long since I had a good work out. My goal was to make it to the TurboKick class. I thougth it started at 9:30- but apparently the rebounding class starts then, and turns into TuboKick. Don't ask me why... just makes my life harder. Anyways - I don't DO the rebounding class. I can't handle all that bouncing in my *old* age...

So, I jumped on the elliptical for 20 minutes - then headed over to the class. Apparently, 20 minutes was too long, because I missed the first part of the routine. But that's okay - I still got a solid half hour of TurboKick in. Well, I had a half hour left before they call me about my kid... so I went on the treadmill. This is the really good part. I still had some energy. So I thought I'd run. But this time, I was going to pace myself better. Normally when I run, it's anywhere from 4- 6 mph. And I can do spurts of about 5... maybe 10 minutes. Depends on my energy level. So I decided to slow it down, but to run longer(at least that was the hope.) So I did. I kept it at 4, barely a running speed, and ran for 25 minutes. I wanted to go for 30- not sure why I stopped. Mostly because I was bored, I think. But I think my energy level was waning. And by the end of all my workouts(plus an extra 20 minutes - because I forgot to turn off the HRM, I had lost almost 1500 calories. Not sure if that's really accurate, but that's all I have to go by for now. I want to recalibrate my monitor- because my reading seem high... but that's another post.

Anyways - yeah!!! very excited about running for so long! Plus - my calf's aren't killing me!!!! Usually after I run alot, I can't run for another week! But I could run tomorrow if I wanted to! (I don't think I have the time, but I could!)

Anyways - it made me really want to commit to getting to classes at the gym. I think they push my body more than just machines do. So I'll have to look at my calender and pencil this in better.

So the bad. I did pretty good eating for lunch. I had a yogurt, lean cuisine type of meal(250 calories) and an apple. As soon as I had the kids in bed, I had a bowl of ice cream. Cookie dough, my favorite!! Why is it in the house?!?! Well, it didn't have enough dough in it... so I had another bowl!!! UGH!!!! And it wasn't even that good!!! because IT didn't have enough dough either!!!!!

Grrr.....

But wait, it gets worse. I did this - KNOWING I was going to the Olive Garden for dinner. Could there be a worse restaurant??! I know - there are a few *healthy* choices there - but lets be honest, they are nothing compared to the rich goodness that is Alfredo. sigh... I did not get Alfredo, but I don't know if my meal was any better. It was the Pork Milanese. (or something like that...) I did only eat half of it though -and gave portions to the babe. I got minestrone soup - and probably ate 1 bread stick. Could have been worse... but all together - not a good eating day. Oh, and there was cake too. Don't forget the cake. (Grandma turned 80 ~ what can you do?)

Tomorrow will be better. although I don't know if I'll have time to get to the gym. I want to though.

Today

What is it about Today? Why does tomorrow seem more appealing? Why not Today?

This is the mental battle I struggle with - maybe not consciously, but I do - when it comes to diet and exercise. I'm a procrastinator at heart - or maybe I'm just plain lazy and procrastination is just *nicer.*

So what is wrong with Today? Well, Today, I'm busy. Today I have alot of running around to do. I am SO stressed out, Today. And yah know what - a greasy burger ~ no, wait ~ a bowl of ice cream, yeah - Today, I just need that. And tomorrow, I'll skip the drive thru. Tomorrow, I'll skip the nighttime snacks. And tomorrow, I'll make it to that class, or wake up early or workout in the evening. Tomorrow holds alot of promise. I've not disappointed myself yet tomorrow. But Today, well - Today is shot. I screwed it up before lunchtime with the afternoon donut. Today I don't feel like cooking the "healthy dinner" and forget about eating salad. Didn't you hear I was stressed out? sigh....

So Today I need to realize that tomorrow will never come. Today I wait and wait but still, tomorrow never comes. I can dream all I want to about tomorrow - but it doesn't exist.

Until Today.

Today I will make a choice. I will choose my path. A different path. Tomorrow is now.

Big Picture Thoughts

So, I finally uploaded pictures from this summer. And there were a few of me, imagine that!! Noone takes my picture - which is mostly okay, because the few I see, I don't like very much at all.

I've been picking up cues that I'm in denial about my weight - which makes it easy to slack off. If there's nothing wrong, why work so hard to change it?! right? Well, I'm seeing some signs that I've ignored the truth. Sigh...

1. I avoid my picture being taken. Not intentionally, or so I *think.* But when I think about me in pictures - I used to remember my great smile. Everyone always used to say how photogenic I was. And in a way, I think I still am. But when I remember the recent pictures of me - I'm not too happy. I look awful!!! Blah! I'm shocked with how I look. I'll post some more recent pics soon.

2. I avoid the scale. And I'm reading in other weight loss blogs how that might be playing into the whole denial thing. I thought it was a good thing to not be obsessive. Maybe not as good as I thought! (It wouldn't hurt for me to be a bit more concerned about my calorie intake!)

3. Kinda goes with #1, My personal mental image of myself is pre-babies. My clothes tell me otherwise. But I'm surprised when I'm confronted with this truth. Maybe because I normally just look at my face in the mirror, I forget and deny that I'm actually 50 pounds heavier.

4. I can't remember!! I thought there was at least 1 more!

So, I uploaded these picture. And now I'm getting ready to get some professional pictures taken this weekend. I'm definitely going to have to go shopping!!! And I'm mad at myself that I haven't done more to loose weight in this time. Sigh... Okay - I guess they don't look THAT bad... I had some other ones, but I was with other people and I wasn't sure if they would want to be pictured in my blog. At the time of these pictures, I wasn't dieting very well, but I was exercising alot. So I feel I've slipped from this a bit as well. I've softened up a bit!

Preparing Food

I already feel productive today. I found a recipe for crockpot chicken broth. http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Chicken-Broth-in-a-Slow-Cooker/Detail.aspx?prop31=1
I had roasted a whole organic chicken just a couple days ago - so I just put the carcass in there and followed the recipe. I'm excited to make my own, and save some money. I go through phases where I'll cook alot with broth and then don't use it for weeks. And of course, organic is expensive.

It's nice to be stocking up on some staples in the freezer. Right now I have lots of freezer strawberry jam and applesauce. And now that I'm taking steps to make chicken broth - I'll be doing this more as well! Sometimes you just have to do it once to get over the hurtles that hold you back. Oh, I made spaghetti sauce, but I'm not sure it was worth my time. Although I might make my own diced tomatoes and freeze those... that would be worth it. I wish I knew more about canning, so I could save some room in my freezer. Maybe next year.

New Week

Hi everyone. So at the start of the weekend I was ready to try some new things. Ready to take some action. And I still am! I didn't have any snacks Friday night - mostly because I had blogged about it(whatever works ~ right?!) Saturday night I caved and had the rest of the ice cream(no more than I normally would have.) I watched a neighbor girl most of the day - and, well, it was just a long day. I had a bad headache and was even a bit nauseous by the end of it. It was weird. Sunday was okay. We had a big dinner because it was hubby's birthday. And I did have a piece of cake. But then no snacks afterwards. Who would need it?!

Well, I didn't get alot of sleep last night, the little one was fussy alot! And to prove it, he's already napping at it's 9AM! So last night, when I couldn't fall back asleep, I decided that today I would track my points. I'd like to do so all week, but we'll just take 1 day at a time. I'm not sure if I'll try to stay within my points... but just tracking is a good first step for me. And I do have time carved into my busy day to hit the gym, so that's good. Not sure about the rest of the week. But we'll try! I want to go to the gym with my husband - he lifts alot at work and I'd like some pointers at the gym. I like some of the machines and feel they do alot for me, but no all the exercises. So I want to improve what I do in the time I have there. Plus I think it'll be fun.

First Morning

Well, I thought I got up at a good time to make it to the gym. But I didn't realize how long it takes to iron on Girl Scout patches. So no gym today, but I might be able to workout in the basement later during nap time. That's my goal for today along with no nighttime snacks.

Why do I do the things I don't want to do?

This week has been extra busy. Busy as in ~ moving from one activity to the next ~ ALL DAY ~ kind of busy. Nap schedules have suffered... cleaning, well, it hasn't suffered because we've had company! I am impressed with how well I've handles all this activity. Because normally I stress out about it and start snapping at everyone. Now, I did have my moments, but they were relatively mild in past comparisons.

Although when you relate this to my eating and exercise habits, then they suffered. It started last week when I was *spring cleaning* the house for Paige's birthday sleepover. I skipped two PRIME workouts because I knew I wouldn't have enough time to get everything done. And then I ate ALOT of cake. Over the course of several days - I probably ate a third of the cake... well, maybe a quarter. sigh. It was good, that's all I can say. Actually, I kind of forgot about it - glad I haven't gotten on the scale!!!

Hmm, where is this post going?!? Don't sound very motivating or encouraging.

Well, here it is. I REALLY want to slim down. I feel like I'm on the verge of slimming down. If I just cut back on my portions and skipped the bedtime snacks I'd be in a much better place!!! Why am I not doing that? That's not horribly hard. I'm not asking for hard core here(because we all know I wouldn't do it....)

Here's what I'm thinking:

Reason #1: I'm focused on eating whole foods and making clean meals. Takes alot of work and energy to cook and be creative in this department. Especially when the fridge is pretty empty.

Reason #2: I just forget!!! I do! I'm not sure if it's habit, or I'm loosing my mind, or distracted from the activities of life - but I just forget that I wanted to watch my portions!!!

Reason #3: I'm stressed out and I'm eating emotionally. I just don't care sometimes. I need a sweet treat. I want a nacho cheese beef chalupa from taco bell!! It's just GOOD. It eases my stress(not really) but I think it does.

Reason #4: The goal seems so far away and out of reach. And it's easy to loose sight of the goal.

So now what. I can't just leave things this way - I'll definitely gain 10 pounds by the end of the year if I don't change things!!!

So I go back to the basics. I need motivation(that's been lacking for me). Tonight I was at the mall - and I've not shopped in a real store for quite some time! And the clothes were beautiful!!!! I was even admiring some dresses!!! I so want to go clothes shopping! But I don't want to buy BIG clothes. It kind defeats the purpose when you're not happy with your body. It's just not fun.

Oooh! I have a great idea!! A new goal!! (I know - I have a new one all the time....) But I bet my husband will be behind me on this one (you'll be jealous! ~ but my husband is great!) Maybe a mini clothes shopping spree on my birthday - if I loose a few dress sizes! Although - I'm not sure if that's really possible, that'd be like 30 pounds. My birthday is January 6th. Right after the holidays. BUT, I am feeling motivated - and I've not had an evening snack (aka finished the subway cookies leftover from dinner....). Maybe I can change. Maybe I do want this goal enough to change what I'm doing.

Tomorrow I'm going to the gym, early with the kids. Because we have to be somewhere at 10. I start tomorrow!

Quick Update

So, I think the same night I wrote the last post we had Chick-fil-a for dinner! I don't know what it was - but both me and my husband were feeling low and lazy. I really didn't want to cook. Which I know lots of people feel that way, but when your spouse isn't helping... why not?! So I didn't make healthy fast food choices, but it's done. We haven't had anything else since then - so that's good. I think I'm going to go for another week. Which will be tough. Mike will be oot for a few days, and cooking gets a little lazy when he's not around. But I've already made some plans for when he's away.

Now, this weekend, not good. We went camping, and knowing we only have to eat what we bring - makes me go into fearful shopping. I bought more than I needed to, and I think I brought most of the junk! Usually it's the rest of the family(ie. campers) that bring the junk, but it was me!!! Not that I don't eat the junk anyways... let's be clear. Any different occasion is "an occasion" to eat food. Good food. But I need to realize that everyday ~ no matter what I'm doing ~ is a day to eat food for nourishment. Not just before and after my workouts. Someone (maybe WWs) had said that you should always look at food as nourishment/fuel for your body and only indulge when it's a special occasion. For example, last week when I didn't feel like cooking, fine. Get the fast food, but get the healthy fuel you need for your body. Get a salad! Now, if it's your daughter's birthday - it's okay to have cake and ice cream. See the difference? Now, do as I say - not as I do!!!!!

I'm sure I'm not going to be eating super well this week with Mike being absent. But, I'm starting with a plan and I'm figuring out when I'll workout. So that's a good start. And if I stay home, I better clean!!!!

Now, I'm off to bed. I did not sleep well camping this weekend. Not at all!

Fast Food Update

Well, I started the Fast Food Fast(haha) on Saturday, I believe. So it's been 5 days - and I've done very well!!! On Saturday - we did have greasy pizza for lunch, so maybe that isn't part of the "plan" but it wasn't from Little Caesar's or anything. It was from the grocery store, and my husband suggested fast food, but I choose pizza instead. Not sure why I didn't think of subs... oh well.

Anyways, the hardest part was telling my mom about it. Because we always go to McD's on Tuesdays with the kids. So I told her to come on over and I'd make salads. We might try to go to some playgrounds while the weather is still nice. But I did it. I avoided the routine. I don't know why I was nervous telling her, but I was. I guess I feel bad changing our routine together. But she seemed okay with it, and it;s not as convienent to make our own lunches and go to the playground or home, but I think we'll both appreciate in the wallets as well. I get $20 allowance to spend on whatever I want. (don't fell bad for me - I have other money...) Anyways, I ALWAYS spend all $20 on fast food. Possibly on some randowm groceries... but it's always on food for me and the kids. But now I can save the money and actually spend it on myself!!! What a treat!

I must say- I was temped a bit today driving home from the gym. I caught a whiff of something tasty, and of course, I was starving. I came home and had a yogurt instead. I meant to have a salad, but I didn't want that. Maybe I'll have one at dinner.

My next step is to stop snacking. Not sure I'm *ready* for this one yet.

Supersize Me

Well, I had to go and ruin it. Spoil it for everyone probably.(and by everyone, I mean my family.) I finally watched the movie/documentary - Supersize Me. I knew this would happen, and that's why I had to watch it.

It's not like watching Food Inc. where you're learning about the "food industry" and all the processing and modifications and the unfortunate side affects of it. It's not where you're disgusted by the knowledge of what's in your food so you turn away and find a healthy alternative. Although maybe similarly. In Food Inc. a veil is lifted and you realize what you've been eating out of the boxes is not "real" food. And in Supersize Me - you know that fastfood is unhealthy, but you finially see the direct affects of eating it.

WOW!

I was really blown away by the bad ~ unhealthy effects he had due to the fast food diet. About three weeks in, I thought he was going to quit. It was amazing the symptoms he was having. The lack of energy, the mood swings, the headaches (I occationally have bad headaches - asprin sometimes helps - otherwise I need to sleep it off) and of course, the unseen damages. The damage to his liver was staggering. His cholesterol soared. He went for practically perfect ~ to~ yah better quit because these are signs of failure. and - call 911 if...

Crazy!

It wasn't just tired with some higher numbers. It wasn't just extra pounds. He actually seemed addicted to the food as well. Feeling crappy until he got to eat when he felt 100 times better. hmmm...

He gained about 25 pounds.

If you look at the numbers, he ate 90 meals at McD's. Three meals a day for 30 days. That's a little less than 2 meals a week if you look at the whole year. So that(theoretically) could be an extra 25 pounds you carry for eating fast food twice a week - and not even every week!!! Now granted, that's usually with a regular coke or milkshake. I always drink diet. And although I will have a double cheeseburger(my favorite burger there) he was often eating a double whopper it seemed. So it's got to be skewed. (plus he's a guy - and we all know women get the crap end of the stick when it comes to weight loss and gain.)

So... I eat fast food. And when I'm way off track - I eat alot of it. I find those times (I don't know how!!) where I'm alone in the car, or with just the baby - and I will stop for a burger, or a Jamoca shake. Maybe a taco. I go through periods I guess. When it's bad - I stop alot throughout the week. And other times, I never ever stop.

Right now, I've been stopping. And if I'm not stopping, I'm thinking about it.

I also have a family ritual. Just me and the kids. and grandma. We exercise. Sounds good right? Started as walking. In the winter it was walking at the mall. Kid(s) in stroller. On grandma's day off, we would stop at McD's for lunch and let the kid(s) enjoy the play area we walked past so much.

Now, we workout at the gym. Too many kids to keep in line for walking. But we still go to McD's (or Chick-fil-a) and get our play/eat time in. Every week. Without fail. And lets not forget the playdates. And the - too tired to cook days. Too busy and on the go. Or when traveling. Sometimes when we head out early for garage sale-ing.

Now, my mom ALWAYS got a salad. I could probably count on 1 hand how many times she got a sandwhich. I almost never got a salad. It just smells too good in there to eat a salad. Plus I hate salads and dressing. Blah! Did I mention my third child weighed almost 10 pounds at birth? I think there's a corelation.

Now a days, I get salads. Well, after I workout I'll get a salad. Any other time, it's highly doubtful. But the only guarenteed time I eat fast food is that day after we exercise.

So... back to the beginning on this post. I've ruined it for me and the family. I can't keep taking the kids to McD's. I can't keep doing this to myself. I wonder how much of my "mood" is due to fast food and junk? I've been in kind of a funk lately - even wondering if I need counseling - or medication. But what if it's linked to my bad eating habits? I've been stopping lately. Let's see - the last fast food I had was... wait for mommy brain to load......... well, we had chinese for dinner, does that count? and before that.... oh, the kids had Chuck-E-Cheese on Thursday... I guess it was Wed night we picked up Burger King before heading to the beach. Plus we had fast food for lunch on Tuesday(the norm...) Hmm... this is bad.

At home, I try to cook really healthy meals, and usually do pretty well. But the fast food has gotten out of hand as of late. I need a new routine.

So here's what I'm going to do!!!!! Always have to have a plan!!!! I am going to give up fast food for a week!!!! From Saturday till Saturday!!! I know - you thought I'd give it up for good. And that's the goal. But let's just start with a week. I can attain this goal and get over the hump of using it as my backup.

Okay - I'm exhausted. I will talk more about this later - but I'm very tired. Working the mommy brain used the last of my energy. It seriously took me probably 2 minutes to remember the fast food of this past week. The worst was trying to remember what happened Thursday. I had to check FaceBook to remember. Very Sad. (don't roll your eyes at me ye without child... it will happen to you too!!!!) okay, now I'm getting punchy - must sleep!

Another day

Today was a good day at the gym. I don't know what happened, but as soon as we got there - my energy seemed to spike. Maybe it was because the kids didn't fight me, or the different breakfast(egg sandwhich with cheese) - but it was nice to have that spark.

We did weights again, but the machines we don't normally use, so it was a much harder workout. Then we did the hard cross ramp for 15 minutes(we're wimps! ~ okay, it was all me, I wanted to be done.) And then the treadmill for 30 minutes. I ended my tome on there with a 4 minute run. I haven't done that in quite a while, and it was great!!!! I was lacking headphones, since my mom was with me - but it was just 4 minutes. I think I'll have to step up the running in my workout.

I did okay with lunch, but I just had to finish those two cookies. sigh... I'm done though. There's no more available cookies, I should be okay. I really want to get on track, and I feel like I'm almost there. So I'm going to keep up with the workouts and make more and more healthy food choices.

Goals!!!!!

Okay - so I've been derailed from the 6 week challenge - I'm not out of the game.. just let my one day of rest turn into three! But, to be fair, my babe was sick and TOM just showed up! (and the cookies are just about gone... I think I'll put them in the freezer before I head off to bed!)

So here's the goal - and it fits into the 6 week challenge nicely.

My original goal was to be DONE with this weight loss phase of life before/by the time I turned 30. Well, then I got pregnant with Ryan(such a sweetie!!!) ~ so that wasn't very possible. I suppose I could have eaten healthy during that time, not gained as much weight and got serious those 4 months before I turned 30(exactly 1 year ago...) I did loose 10 pounds, but after our trip to Disney - I just never got back on the motivation train. Till the new year. I find that the start of fall(school year) and New Years is the best time for me to loose weight. I have the most motivation and determination(at least for a while) to loose weight. Probably true for most people.

Well I just was reading a friendly blog that reminded me that my goal is to have this be a short phase of my life!!! I don't want to diet forever! I don't want to be picking at myself - guilty and unhappy because I fall into temptation again and again. I have one thing that works well for me. I can maintain my weight. Not sure I can maintain my weight at 140lbs - but no matter what my weight has been, I've usually maintained it pretty well. It's pregnancy or vacations that get it off rail and then I either step it up to loose the holiday weight - or it becomes part of me. Preggo weight is the worst!!!!!

So here's where I'm at: 187 pounds(although I'm supposed to weigh in tomorrow - not looking forward to that!)

Where I want to be: 140 lbs (which might actually be 130 on my scale- my scale is 9-10 lbs lower than WW or the Dr scale...)

140 might be low for me. Especially with muscle mass - I've never really has muscle mass before - and my lowest adult weight was 155. Looking at those pics now - I was sooooo skinny!!!! But I thought I was horribly fat!

I wish my face was that skinny! Sad when you want your face to be skinny.

Anyways - because 155 was my lowest adult weight - I think I need to be int he 140's to feel I achieved my real goal. And I'm afraid if it's not the low 140's then I'll just be at 155 at the first picnic or birthday or holiday.

So, what does this mean to me? Well, I need to loose 47 pounds(57?) yikes! And It would be great to loose it by my birthday in January. Which is just cruel. Who looses weight right at the holiday? That gives me 4 months - with the last month being an obstacle course of issues. That's like 12 pounds a month!!!! Whoa - I'm so not going to make that goal!!!!

Hmm... I'll have ot think on this a bit more. Maybe If I just get to the 155 goal by my birthday - loose ALL the baby weight - that would still be an awesome goal. So that would be 32-42 pounds, about 8-10 pounds a month. Much better! Still a great challenge, but much better!

I think if I really apply myself over the next two weeks, I could start this challenge off really well. And once you start loosing weight - it's easier to stay motivated and keep your body burning and working int hat direction(or at least - that's what my mom always told me!)

So what am I going to do?

1. Put the cookies in the freezer!!! (I made homemade - organic cookies!!! - so I wouldn't have to eat processed snacks...)

2. Plan to track my food. I'm not sure if this will be with points or calories. I'd like to do calories, but I have a WW scale - and that tells me points, very handy. And I'm not used to figuring out calories.

3. Stick to the challenge plan of cardio and strength every other day. So tomorrow, that means I have to get up early and workout in the basement. Ryan is still to sick to allow me to go to the gym. I think he's getting better though.

4. Stock food with whole healthy foods - and EAT THEM! Someone at church offered up fresh peaches - as much as you want. I'm going to call her - maybe head over there tomorrow and raid her garden! See what wisdom I can glean from her. Plus I need to make lunch and dinner menues. I think I have enough meat in the fridge to come up with some good ideas.(although we've actually been eating some meat free meals!!!)

5. Drink lots of water!!! I'm afraid of returning kidney stones!!!! I need to do this anyways.

Well, I think that's about it. I should go get some shut ueye - and put the cookies away - so I won't be tempted again tomorrow! I REALLY want to do this - and I'm thankful for this redirection in my life. I've been so torn lately with my priorities - or rather not knowing what they should be. And I want to do this and be done with it. I don't want to dissapoint myself again. I do need to figureout the rest of my priorities and how to bring them to the forefront again. (like family, children, and God). And that will happen. I just need more time to think on those things. There's no clear plan of attack. Not yet - my heads a little fuzzy still(darn thyroid!)

Day 4

Wow - it's early and I have something to say! Just an update on how things are going.


First off, it's snack time here and yah know things are changing because I'm eating yogurt. I really don't care for yogurt. It's not the texture or the flavor - I don't dislike it. But to me, it's just not something I want. It's not a snack or food I care to eat. BUT I know it's good for me and a good snack while dieting. Sigh.... so here I go, making a healthy choice. I wish I was more excited about it.

Well, I did get up early and did my Turbo Jam Turbo Sculpt. It was a bit harder than I remembered. The kids did wake up before I was done, but their old enough now that they hang out for a few minutes then run upstairs to watch tv. Whew! That's a relief to me! I can't tell you the level of frustration I've had fighting with them to leave me alone during that time. No matter how early I get up - they would show up. Annoyed me to no end. But now they're older and not so insistent.

I burned about 650 calories doing the Turbo Sculpt - 45% fat burn. Then I did some abs for ten minutes and burned another 100 calories. I then went upstairs, got the baby up and started on some breakfast. Some sources say you should eat within an hour of exercising, others say 20 minutes. So either way - I wanted to get started. I ended up making a spinach omelet with some shredded cheese.

Intresting side note. I do want to count calories, but I'm more inclined to count the points. Since WW is more recent for me, I know the point values and it was just easier to figure out the points value. Plus the cheese I measured - was 0 points. I was pretty excited about that! So I added another egg to the omelete! I ended up with two full eggs and 1 egg white. I figure it was 4-5 points. I think eggs are 2 points each... but with the cheese and oil, it's probably 5 points. Plus I had a fruit flat beforehand. It's kinda like a fruit roll-up ~ but much better for you. I guess it;s like dried fruit jerky, but not too dry. They're only 1 point - and that gave me some carbs for the workout.

I'm starting to think food = energy again! This is great!!!

I need a plan for the rest of the day - especially since it included Pizza Hut. And I'm not sure how I feel restraining myself there. I just don't want to! But maybe I'll have a salad or apple before I go.

On a side note - I stepped on the scale before my shower - granted - after breakfast... but I just wanted to see how things were going. I wasn't expecting to have really lost much... or anything - but it was up a couple pounds!!! Yikes! But then I realized/remembered my TOm is right around the corner... so that's probably the reason. It makes me feel a bit betetr about my hunger levels these couple days. And if I get it out of the way this first week - then I'll have no reason to get off track in the middle of this challenge. So I'm good with it. (although I hope the bloating goes down before Monday when I weigh in!)

Have a great day!!!

The Winds of Change

So it's day three of the new challenge. I finally did my measurements yesterday. As I measured, I knew and was wondering how these measurements would change with my current plan. Sure, I've slacked a bit on my exercise - working out 2 days aweek instead of 4+. And My diet has dissapeared(except for continuing with more clean foods). But I don't really see much changing - certainly not fast enough to win the challenge. And that didn't settle with me too well.

So - the point of the blog is not to wallow in the bad habits of my summer, and lets face it ~ my life. It's to recognize the changes I'm starting to make. Today - I am more thoughtful in my food choices. This is not 100% helpful, I still ate horrible in a dieters mind. BUT - I did start to think - "wait - if I eat this cookie - and then take these home... I'm going to eat them. But, if I wait, I can just have one at home - and that will cut out at least 1 cookie here... " Okay - so it's not perfect, but I'm starting to ration my calories - or at least get in the mind set to do so.

Also - today is a cardio day. I had absolutely no time in the morning.. which is common in the summer and hense why my workouts are down to 2 a week. The routine of summer would have let it slide... assuming I would workout more this week. (Although the truth is there is no plan and no available mornings to workout.) So - I made plans to workout in the evening! Not something I've done much of this summer.

So I put on my crummier workout clothes I don't like to wear out to the gym(good thing because laundry needs done!) and did my Turbo Jam Punch Kick & Jam video. In about 50 minutes I burned 850 calories 30% of which was fat calories.

So tomorrow is weights. I plan on doing the Turbo Jam Turbo Sculpt. It's going to be hard, especially since I'm a bit sore from Tuesday(especially in the shoulders) and PKJ video is also good for muscle building. That's one thing I really liked about Turbo Jam, I felt it sculpted my arms well. Especially once I started using the weighted gloves. I'm not up to that yet - but it won't be long. It's not like I'm starting from scratch here!

So - I think I'm off to a good start!!! Can't wait to see the rest of the week and to make more awesome changes! I think I might actually plan my meals for tomorrow!!! Wouldn't that be a big step for me! (ooh - I really should, because we're going to Pizza Hut for my son's birthday! yikes!)

Day 1 - 6 Week Challenge

(Whoops! I never posted this - This is from Monday the 23rd)

I didn't know when I woke up today that I was going to get back into action - but today is the start of a new challenge my friend on FB initiated. She's a Beachbody coach and she's offering the winner(highest % of weight loss) a Beachbody program(TurboJam, PX90, Slim in 6...and more) or a 1 month supply of Beachbody's Shakeology ~ which I hear is just the best of the protein shakes.



So - this prize has motivated me!!!! I personally wish this would start in a week or two when the kids are back in school and I can give a little more attention to diet, but today is just as good as any!!! She's recommending a 6 day a week program alternating cardio and stregth training days. This won't be a huge step for me, although I need to work around the summer schedule a bit harder than I have been. The hard part for me will be dieting. Ugh!!! Eating is so complicated now a days!!!



For anyone who's been reading my blog(or if you've read back just a few entries) then you'll know what we're trying to eat clean - more wholesome foods that have not been processed. It's not just about organics, but that's also a part of the clean eating. Eliminating pesticides and growth hormones and antibiotics... I still struggle with this. I just haven't found the time to pre-prepare the foods we eat regularly. Like bread. My nemisis. I probably shouldn't eat it at all, but sandwhiches are a big part of our family's life.

So here's to a new start and to new motivation!!!!

Limbo

I know - everyday should be a healthy day where I live out my healthy choices and new healthy "lifestyle." I wish I could say that were true. But "dieting" is hard for me. And I do go through spurts of healthy eating, and I am not against it(although I'm fairly "against" salads right now...) but I am currently in limbo and will return to the "healthy lifestyle" soon. aka diet.

I know I have the wrong mindset... but this is where I'm at.

I plan on returning to this focus when the kids head back to school... when the distractions of good weather fades away. When I can regularly make it to the gym, I will begin the healthy choices and healthy habits. Are they really habits when they depend so much on other circumstances?

My mind is so distracted. I find it so hard to focus or to organize anything. My mood (aka hormones) are all over the place. mostly down though. I think that the excitement of Celebration (annual BeautiControl conference) excites me so much - gives me great hope and opens my mind to possibilities... that now I'm realizing and falling short of those hopes. I want to get to the next level of BC - which I'm not sure what that means, but I want to do well at this! I really like it and there's something about the success that I really enjoy. But here I am, struggling to have spas and to make a bit of money - because I have some bills that come from this money. Maybe that's what's stressing me out too.

I'm sure alot of my weightloss efforts are wrapped up in my BC endeavor. It takes alot of my focus and can easily disrupt my mood. So, this month in particular - I put alot of effort into BC... and there are ups and downs. And I keep trying to think about how fine tune my spas. And something has to fall to the wayside...

So, did I meantion I was distracted? Because this post seems to be all over the place. But I hate to deleate it and rewrite it...

Good start!

Today was a good day! I made it to the gym - EARLY! I wasn't even trying, I just got everyone ready and we went! I had my HRM and by the end of it, I burned 1200 calories!!! I mostly did cardio. 30 minutes on the cross trainer, 10 minutes of abs, the 30 minutes on the treadmill. I had a new song - Black Eyed Peas - I got a feelin. It's kind of a BeautiControl thing... and it really motivates me to move... so I ran alot of the 30 minutes.

I ate really good today too, except for the margarita with dinner, but I had a salad. I was so busy today making all sorts of phone calls and doing BeautiControl paperwork that I didn't have much time to eat. Or snack! That was the big thing. Plus there's nothing good in the house - guess I did a good job shopping this week!

Tomorrow - the gym again!

oh - and my pants fit better today! and I'm not just saying that because I streatched them out... and I've officially maintained my weight for the past 2-3 months. better than gaining I suppose. Good start!

What is "Real" Food?

Ever since we watched "Food Inc" a couple months ago - I am continually looking for more information about how our food is produced, processed and what's in it?! Produce is not just produce anymore... and "healthy" is suspect. I have many thoughts here - so I apologize if I'm talking in circles and don't make any sense.

I was in deep conflict initially because I was in the midst of Weight Watchers. I was doing pretty good and enjoyed learning ideas of what to eat at meetings... how to stretch your points. How to eat more, enjoy more and still loose weight.

And then I watched Food Inc... realized that our food is contaminated with pesticides and engineered to be made cheaper - but not necessarily "healthier" for our nation. That our meat is full of antibiotics and growth hormones... and not only does this seep into our food - but what it does directly to those who work in those conditions - it's horrible! and I'm worried for my kids being over exposed to that stuff.

So I go home and start to open a WW bar for 1 point - and realize that what WW considers a great choice for their diet - is not a healthy choice for my body. WOAH! What?! Diet food isn't good for me? And it took some time but what I've learned is to open my mind a bit and realize that all those things on the ingredient list is not food - but a product of food science. Overly processed to conjure the idea of sweetness.

I am very thankful that at the same time I had borrowed Jillian Michael's Master Your Metabolism book... and she was touching on the same thing! But for a different purpose. She emphasized that all this processed junk is confusing our body. And it doesn't know what to do with fake sugars etc... so our bodies adapt - but then different things(like thyroids etc...) get out of wack and our body doesn't work the way it should.

So - as a family we're adjusting. The one area we have trouble adjusting to 'whole' real foods - is our snacks. I still buy the favorite snacks for my husband and kids - although I was able to buy some organic without any fuss. But I just don't have the time to bake up some stuff. Bread is another issue. We go through 2 loaves a week - probably pointing to the fact that we really should switch to organic.. but at $5-$7 a loaf - we just can't afford it! Plus noone would like such 'heavy' whole wheat bread. And I haven't started baking bread either... sigh...

And - I'm sure your starting to realize - I'm becoming a food snob. I don't want to be - but I'm seeing the signs. I passed a lady in the store today - her cart wasn't too full, so I could see what she had quickly. She was on a diet. She had bagged lettuce - the cheapest the store offers. Some veggies to go with it, rice cakes, and some kind of 100 calorie snack pack. And I just wanted to pull her aside and tell her that despite her good intentions - she wasn't being very good to her body. But as a nation we're clueless to what's going on! We see on the morning talk shows how some new study says that nutrition X is great for our bodies - and next thing you know - everything on the shelves have this great nutrient we've been missing! But what we need isn't from a box at all! What we need is what God intended us to eat - and I don't remember the day he designed boxes and grocery stores and marketing strategies...

So I'm starting to read 'In Defense of Food' by Michael Pollan. I've read enough to know that I need to read his first book! But I'm excited to absorb some more information.

I know eating whole foods is hard. It didn't happen over night for us. We still eat out - alot. We still eat frozen pizza and some convenient foods. We go back and forth on lunch meat. Again, it something we should totally switch on because we eat it so much - but the stuff without nitrites and nitrates is just not as good! And events and picnics are hard. But we've switched on some key things - meat and poultry, all dairy, all things "diet" except the occational diet coke. I've actually switched to organic lemonade for the mostpart(at home) it's just eating out which is just not right without a diet coke! But I must say - even that is changing. When we initially cut everything out - I could take a huge difference! Diet coke just tasted like chemicals to me! It was gross! And even now - cookies and sweets that have been shleved - all I can taste are what I assume are preservatives. I NEED to bake some cookies so I can enjoy a real cookie!

So I guess that's it for now. It's on my mind alot. I find it hard to think beyond what I've always know as "diet" or "healthy". Since it's sumemr - I've bypassed some of the organic choices for local produce. Not sure if that's the best choice... but I think so. From what I've read it's the main staples of the country(corn, soy, wheat..) that are blasted with pesticides because of the monoculture they're grown in. But in smaller farms that isn't the case. But who's to say really. The best thing you can do is ask.

Summer Stress!

I'm not sure why August is turning out to be so stressful, but it is. I think it's the desire to cram in the last of summer activities but you've already obligated your time elsewhere.

We do have a few additional stressors right now. The first is Mike is currently interviewing for a few jobs at a different company. The whole idea of switching companies and the "what ifs" really get to yah! Also - our dryer broke and is not worth repairing. So we're looking for a good scratch and dent. And then tonight I rear ended someone. totally my fault. Hope the insurance doesn't go up to much for that!

And the biggest thing in my life is I'm getting my BeautiControl business off the ground again. I'm not happy with doing only 1 spa a month - I want to grow it into something a bit more. I want to do more spas a month - so it's taken me a bit of work to do that, hosting a few spas myself... following up on some leads - but now I've got 3 outside spas this month. I'm pretty happy with that! Although I think I'd like 1 more... maybe I'll get it at the spa coming this next week.

So the depressing part of all this - and I'm hoping my monthly is to blame, but nothing fits. I'm not comfortable in much of anything. The worst was my shorts which I had to inch up every time I was bending. sigh.... I don't want to go there! I've only put on about 3 pounds, but I think I'm loosing muscle. This next week should actually be normal, so I should get to the gym more. Hopefully I won't forget the kids gymnastics class again! Again, stressful week!

I did eat most of a pan of brownies... and I've been eating whatever I want. I was going to be "healthier" by eating a lunch meat sandwich. But I think the turkey went bad. so I tossed it and had a meatball sandwich and mashed potatoes. with extra salt.

I love reading all the blogs with pics of all the healthy things they've eaten. They must have a crazy easy way to upload those photos. And they must not have kids - because every meal is whole foods prepared. Sure they save some for lunch leftovers the next day- but seriously - where did you find the time and energy - and creativity?!?! I'm thrilled with my natural chicken and steamed broccoli and REAL mashed potatoes - lumps included! (with organic butter and milk...)It was goooood too! Sorry -no pics here!

So I'm trying to to fret about money. We have alot of plans this week - all my husband's doing... so he better not complain. But we're taking the kids to see Toy Story 3 for the first time(we're so negligent). And we have dinner plans with friends on Monday - plus we want to see another movie - not sure if we can extend the babysitter that much! But we need to buy a dryer and now the car and will we take a pay cut for this new job? Not likely - guess we'll find out how much Mike wants the job... That's why I relax when I think about my BeautiControl... I just relax knowing I have spas on the calender, and although I am out of my comfort zone at time - making calls or asking the questions... we all have a good time and I get some money in my bank account.

And this next week - I will exercise and eat slightly better... not going to make any grand promises!!! but exercising will help control the food cravings... hopefully I'll get to the gym in the morning... depends if Mike insists on shopping for more dryers! Better than me goign to the laundromat again.

Calling All Moms!!!

Hello? are you out there?

I'm reading alot of blogs lately - I find them very motivating in my weight loss journey... but where are all the moms? It's all these women in thier 20's and 30's who work and are cooking these amazing meals that include whole ingredients - half of which I've never heard of! And then trying to fit in exercise in the evenings. Which is very cool - and obviously I'm attracted to a certain type of blogger.

But I could never do exactly that! the kids would never eat that unique of a meal - I'm not sure I want to! and then you need all the prep time and clean up time... that would certainly be interrupted... it's just not so cut and dry.

And exercise is my problem right now. My schedule is not my own. This week is VBS and gymnastics. Plus I'm driving a friend's son to and from VBS a couple days this week - and it's all during my morning gym time.

I'd like to see a young(er) mom who is finding ways to eat healthy and fit in exercise - so maybe I can glean some ideas from her... but she obviously needs time to blog all about it- so I can read all about it!

So - maybe this will have to be me! Although I don't think I'm as good of a writer - or have the time to devote to it... but I guess I just need to get over myself a little. I am surprised though at how few friends I know who really spend a lot of time exercising and all that. They diet more, I think. And I lack discipline - so I don't relate to that as well.

I guess this brings me to another topic in my life - friends. I'm having trouble relating to people lately. But I think it's because we're in different seasons of life. People make friends that are convenient. For example - if our kids are the same age - if they're in the same activities and classes - it's MUCH easier to maintain those friendships. And now that it's summer - it's gotten a bit harder. Friends I saw alot during the winter months at church or regular activities - aren't going on - and so if I want to maintain those relationships - I need to call and make an appointment, I guess! sorry, playdate. And then bitterness and loneliness creeps in, because noone is calling me. It's quickly a slipperly slope of self pity- and I try not to let myself get there. It's summer - everyone is busy. I can't change anything but my attitude and go from there. sigh...